My poetry from 2001....

1-19-2000
There we were. We had walked down the Avenue arm in arm, with only the gleam of the street lamps reflecting off the small, cool puddles of water that had gathered on the cobblestone road to guide us. The Avenue was quite a popular place, but tonight it seemed as if it were there for only us to enjoy. It led straight down to the river and ended. We strolled down to "our spot," a comfortable bench overlooking the water's edge. We had run out of street lamps and depended on the white lights strung through the magnolia trees and around the pavilions to help us along. This was he very spot where he asked me on our first date. This was the very spot where he had our first kiss and it was at this very spot where he first told me that he loved me. It still feels like the first time everytime he says it. There is still that spark, that....exhilaration of knowing that I have THE ONE, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. As we reached our spot he wrapped his arms around me from behind and hugged me tight. Despite the balmy night air, I still got the chills when he whispered that he loved me and kissed my neck. He sat me down on the bench besdie him and pulled me close. He slid his hand under my chin to lift my eyes to his. He leaned back into the bench more and took a deep breath. We were both silent as we looked into each other's eyes. I wondered if I was the only one he looked at that way. His eyes were so deep, like you could look on forever into them. I wanted to. I wanted to get lost in his eyes and never have to return to anyone but him I close my eyes and felt his warm lips against mine. Smiles came to both of our faces. A breeze came and the lights swung gently in the breeze.

2-23-2000
On a warm summer night this is where we sat, on a lush green lawn in a local park. The sky was orange and yellow with patches of purple diffusing into it. This is what it was like before I lost you. The fluffy, white clouds drifted along in the endless blue sky. We lay there laughing as the passers-by gawk at the two of us laying there in the middle of the park. you slowly drift off to sleep and I hum to myself about "This Magic Moment." I turn on my side to watch you, to be with you, to never miss out on any one thing. My heart beats with the river of your breathing. I never knew I could love someone the way I love you. If I should ever be apart from you, I fear I would stop breathing. How can one lose their world and still survive? This I do not know. I slowly place my hand upon your cheek before I close my eyes, and I feel the love surging inside you. Darkness grew and silvery stars appeared in the distance. Soon, I awoke to the sound of rain, but there was nothing falling from the sky. It is your tears rolling off into the grass. I ask what is the matter and as you turn to look at me I see it all. All of it-everything was gone, at least it was for me. I can barely breathe and my heart slows down to a faint beat. There is nothing I can do but just pray that I am mistaken. In a delicate voice you say, "I just...I can't do this," and get up to walk off and leave me all alone-all alone in the dark. "So this is how it feels," I think. This is how it feels to be alone and broken. It's been years since that day, my heart is still weak and my breathing shallow. You may have created me or you may have destroyed me,but either way I still love you with all my heart.


I close my eyes and let myself drift away. Away..not away from here, but away to another time. I awake to a cold room shrouded in darkness. I'm scared and I shudder to think at everything I've just lost. Everyone surrounding me was blind. It's not that they had no eyes; they just saw nothing. It seemed strange to me that their creator had made them sightless. Blind to the injustice around them. Perhaps this was why I felt so alone. Even young children were gilded by their parents ignorance. This was all too much. My fear turned into sadness. As the burning tears rolled down my face I looked for something, something to be requited in exchange for all this hate and as I begin to search the crowd.......I see him.....Oh, at last...my love has arrived...and all is well.


Things Fall Apart
things fall apart
things we do not know
things hidden and unseen
until the moment they go


things we long for in the night
things we'd never thought we had
things that go beyond our sight


black words written on white paper composed in the night
so bland, yet so true
the things we love are the things we lose
watch out or it may happen to you

3-6-2000
The deep blue sky filled with thousands of luminous stars shining silver expand my thought and deepen my love for life. This beauty overwhelms me frequently and I wish I could live in that moment forever. I become so emaciated with love that I feel like I could burst, like I could be within this moment forever and still never be satisfied. I feel it building and, eventually I remember to try not to hold on so tight and when I do, beauty and love run through my body, like a neverending river and I am full. Full of beauty, and love, and everything that is so good in this world. Sometimes it brings me to tears to feel all this beauty endlessly, without any restrictions or limitations. We could all be pretty angry about things in our life, but if we just let go of them then we could feel our true essence, our true being. We wouldn't just live life, we would embrace it. It is at that moment when we let go of all these wrongdoings, that we are truly alive. Then, and only then, can we feel that eternal river of beauty run through and complete our beings. I'm sure you have no idea what I mean, but one day you will.

3-21-2000
I wish I could tell you all the things I long to say.
But when I look into those gorgeous eyes of yours, I cannot speak.
Speaking is for those who have not yet learned how to listen to their hearts.
Time complicates love because my love for you cannot be expressed in a few short minutes of praise and adoration, nor in years of commitment.
No, my love spans out past the petty limits of time.
Angels and cherubs have lips like mine, yet they do not need to speak of love.
They know that it comes from within and speaking may confuse things so they let the silence be permeated with love in hope that others will breathe it in like air and realize they cannot live without it.

3-24-2000
Suddenly I look to see you standing there
Looking so different than before
Life's been so different since you've been gone
I've changed so much; I've been through hell.
How will you ever understand?
You've changed so much within me.
My life will never be the same again.
You walk over to me and I wonder if you see it all
That my love for you is something I cannot tame
That through all of it I still love you and want to be with you

4-1-2000
Don't you know I've always loved you
And you know I always will

Don't give up and walk away from me just yet
Because I've got a few things to tell you

You're my reason behind it all
You're the reason I no longer fall

You're the one who makes me whole
You're the one who completes my soul

I want to make each day something different to show you
And try to prove how much I really love you

Because in the end I want to be with you
And when it comes down to sayin' those words, I'm gonna say "I do"
Because you're the one I love
You're the thing I want
And for you my heart is ever true

4-11-2000
I've learned a lot these days.
I've learned that I need to be loved and I need you, even when I tell myself I don't.
I need the one that broke my heart, but I still love despite it.
I need to feel the touch of your hand on mine and the warmth of your breath on my neck.
I need to feel the scratchiness of your face to prove to me that you're still here.
No matter what I do and no matter what I say I know I cannot let you go.

5-2000
Today is the day I met him
Today is the day I lost him
I met him by chance (or fate as I call it)
Beautiful eyes, Beautiful life surrounding me
Filling me-I was lost and found all at once
I'll keep that chance with me to hold him forever
It was one of those moments when something is so immensely wonderful that time just....stops
Stops to let you enjoy the moment of finding true love after 17 years
Stops to let you feel your heart pound and then almost completely stop
Stops to let you feel lightheaded at the quickening of your breathing
Stops to let you really live....
to let you feel life pouring through your veins
Stops to let you know that you are really alive

5-2000
Alone beneath the glittering stars of a warm summer night
We sit quietly
Breathing in the serenity we forgot so long ago
The beauty of it all brings tears to my eyes
I've learned to live like this
To embrace each and every breath
To let every moment share its worth
and run through me like raindrops
never too filling, but always satisfying
We'd gone on a journey to find ourselves,
but lost each other on the way
Hoping tonight will bring us back to each other
Fate brought us here
The clouds sigh as they drift by slowly
As you softly squeeze my hand
I pray that this won't break us
The strength of the night reassures us that our love is not lost
Deep down I smile because I know that our love is beyond all costs

7-22
All she's asking is
for a little more time
A little more life
A little more love
She's the perfect one
and she does't even see
Please help me find that girl
That girl's inside of me
I can't shake her loose
and make her see...
She's the perfect one
The perfect one for me
Her eyes are dark, her smile is bright , and I'm stuck somewhere in between
I love the way she lives her life
I only wish that she could see
that she doesn't have to hide her beautiful self from me

9-3-2000
The beautiful teardrops formed in her eyes
How could she every say goodbye?
The lovely roses had wilted in the vase
She no longer knew her place
In his life, in her world
Words crashed down around her
Assaulting her, pummeling her with their crass comments and opinions
Shunning her tearful eyes
Deeming her unworthy of their time
She's left alone in her broken-down palace
Remnants of love scattered around her
Visions of past loves
and Happiness, only seems like an illusion to her deep hazel eyes and lonely heart
All hope has been lost for her, as she pulls herself up out of the depths of destruction, known as her heart
She wonders if anyone will ever love her as the beautfiul teardrops formed in her eyes....

9-3-2000
How am I ever supposed to tell you all that lies deep within my soul.
When all I know is that it will hurt you.
When all it will do is break us.
I suppose I've found the actor for my play.
Not that many casting calls seem like a million.
I run my fingertips across your face and kiss your lips.
My sweet, beautiful love.
As we walk in the door, arm in arm, everyone turns to stare at us, the radiantly happy couple.
The two so deep in love, no one else is noticed.
You are so beautiful.
My love, everytime I see you, I feel the need to cry despite the huge smile on my face.
Your love is so gorgeous and precious.
It's paralyzing to think of it all at once.
And so my love, to you, I turn, and tell you all that's in my soul.

9-6-2000
As I sit here in this lonely place
I think about you and me
Words mean nothing to me now
And I'm so lost even just thinking about you
I'm numb to everything
I can no longer hear the waves crash upon the sandy beach
My eyes are so raw from crying that I can no longer see the beauty in this life I call mine
Your lies have broken me down to the girl I swore I'd never be
Huddled in a ball, sobbing, wasting away from this lack of love
I'll never, ever trust you again.

9-12-2000
You're so smart and you're so vain
You probably all ready know this is all about you
How could I have ever fallen for a guy like you?
Too self-assured and futile for me
The facade you showed was exactly what I wanted
The words you said were what I wanted to hear
What a joke
And I'm sorry now
Sorry I ever wasted my time on a fool like you
I hate that I still think of you, but now the thoughts are of how I don't need you
And that's because I never did

9-12-2000
This is Action, not Glamour.
No more ribbons and pretty pink dresses.
This is for me, not for you.
No more relenting to you.
I'm sick of letting you rule me.
No more following you around
Believing that you know the way
I can do it on my own now, without any of your help

9-19-2000
Her name is Juliet and she's all mine
She is so beautiful
I can't believe that she is truly mine
Her hair is dark as the night
Her eyes sparkle and shine like diamonds
Her laughter is a chorus of angels
My heart stops everytime I see her lips curve into a smile, all because he spotted me through the crowd
My sweet surrender is she

9-19-2000
A gasp escapes my lips as I see you walk in through the door
My one little noise seems like an explosion in this quiet room
I look down at my books as the words all blur togethr
I run my hands through my hair while I try desperately to think of something to do
How can I possibly get out of here without you noticing me?
I'm frozen at the moment by the multitude of thought running through my head
God knows I'm not ready to face you
Not yet, not so soon
Glorious words spoken from your lips no longer enthroll me...or do they?
I don't want to give them the chance is all I can think as I hurriedly gather my pile of papers and books and shove them into my bag
I can feel your deep, dark eyes monitoring my every move, anticipating my next action

9-20-2000
As we sit here in the garden, your breath speaks to me over the silence
The moonlight illuminates the two of us
Sitting there on the beach in the park
Your hand finds my waist in the darkness
You pull me into you more and squeeze me tight
My dress crumples from the weight against me
The world is gone to me from this moment on
Your breathing is troubled and I know you are trying to tell me something
Holding my cheek up to yours, you let out a whisper of a sigh
Your breath on my neck sends chills down my spine
You lean back from me and run your hands down my face and end up cupping my face in your strong hands
As you run your thumb across my lips, I search for what you are trying to say in your eyes

9-??-2000
The days go at a blinding speed now
Days fade into night
And all I can think about is lying in your arms


He'd been everything to me and now I denied him


10-9-2000
Brown, somber eyes
those are what you show me until that something clicks inside you
Then those passionate eyes sparkling and crackling with adventure and excitement
that I adore so greatly appear
And you give to everyone
So freely
And lovingly
It's hard to believe I found you
In this world of fast times and easy money
It's hard to believe that there are others like me out there
Those wildly exciting people who live deeply and fully
People with daring spirits and gallant hearts
Poetic languages and vivid lives
These people are my faith
In which I root myself deep into

11-17-2000
Alone I walk, down this lonely winter road
The wind slices into me and it's coldness cuts short my breath
I struggle to regain my composure as my thoughts wander to you
All alone my sight follows only my shadow
It's the only thing that stays with me these days
The coldness rises up and clings to me as tears form in my eyes
They blur my vision and I wonder how I ended up here
The chill seeps into every cell of my body
I won't fall though, not anymore
I keep walking on this road for you

11-20-2000
Have you ever had one of those moments where there are so mnay things that you want to say, but when you try to think of one solitary thing to say, it's lost among the millions of swirling thoughts in your head and you just become silent. That's what it's like when I'm around you. My sense are abandoned as I stand there and watch you consume me with every passing moment.

11-30-2000
"Beautiful Pursuit"
You shimmer
I tremble
Cool Water Moonlight
Blue Mountains reflect your touch
My body swims in morning dew
The green leaves feel me
Hiding among their warmth

11-30-2000
sky light
tree sunset
sun stream
rainbow trickle

11-30-2000
"Segue Into Silence"
Soothing water
I dissolve
Sink away
You calm me
Melt the clouds
into quiet
breathe serene sounds

11-30-2000
spirits soar
we giggle
i dance
the warm laughter
floats to you
listen my soft thought friend

11-30-2000
Crisp coldness
envelopes me as I
venture deeper into the velvety darkness

I melt willingly into this moment
Cool water moonlight shimmers in my eyes

Trembling breaths escapes my lips
Dissolving into the deep night sky
Sprinkled with stars
Impartial to my lonliness

11-30-2000
Hair scattered in front of your eyes makes it hard to see the truth
Your eyes shift and sparkle like I always knew they would

12-20-2000
You waltzed in speaking eloquent words of long-forgotten fairytale lands
The loss of love
The pain of heartache
Searching again for another
My trust and faith were given away to easily and I listened
I listened to your words of beautiful horses in the lands that you promised to take me to
Our relationship was doomed from the beginning
Trust given away too easily always comes to a desperate and final end
I can tell you how I wish things turned out differently
But it would make no difference
In this story of ours there is no right or wrong
Only loss and the pain of falling away

1-20-01
Every moment struck every fiber in my being. The presence was powerful. Through the loud, insistent beat, I felt calm and centered, in awe of what I was experiencing. A sort of spiritual catharsis pledged through music, shoved in this darkened room with all (my) these bobbing sweaty (fellow) followers.

2-19-01
I hear you walk in behind me after everythings been done. Everything has been discovered. I try to hide the tears, but it doesnt matter because I know you wont see them. You just stand there, assailing my back with your convictions and hate-filled interpretations of what Ive done to YOU and how hurt YOU are. Dont you know every cruel thing you say is one more nail in the cross for me? You slowly and satisfyingly nail me to the cross, place that crown of thorns upon my head, and lift me up for all to see. Bearing all of my shame for every one and all to see. Through my tears I wish you could see how much you hurt me, but its useless. And as I turn around I halfway expect you to be on your knees begging my forgiveness, but your not. And I carry on

2-28-01
There we sat in these peoples house
My dying fathers hand in mine
We came in a sense so he could say his goodbyes
Although its masked as a simple visit
My baby brother beside me
Not knowing whats really going on
Daddys asleep, holding my hand
And I feel so lost and small
Deep within myself, hidden
The cancer is devouring him and I can feel the pain
All they can do is sit across from us and stare at me
Wondering how I am and how I can deal with this
My father is slowing fading away
And Im still holding on

4-29-01
He was my God
I knew of Jesus and the Trinity,
But he was the one who hung the stars in the sky for me
The one who placed them in my eyes.
My one, endless true love
I worshipped him with everything I contained within in me
And he gave me his endless love
No one had ever treated me the way he did
And so to him I gave my all.

Heated breath
His reckless face
Full of fire
Remember silent whispers
Lost guide
I cradle his soul

Storm drift
Moon cloud
Morning wind
Rain gleam surface
Small ripple drops
Scatter sound

5-29-01
Our lives are ruled by the sun, moon, and tides
So why then can we not trust in the constant ebb and flow of our lives
Knowing that this is meant to be
We know the tides will rise and fall
And that the sun will relinquish to the moon,
only yet again to reappear at day break

5-31-01
The tears wouldnt stop coming
Anger surged through her body
Violently convulsing, screaming and crying
Please, please! Make it all stop!
Dont say this is for my own good!
Just please, please say yes
And release me from these ties
That bind me-too tight-too tight for me to breathe

6-3-01
The lonely waves crashing outside my window only remind me of you and how much I miss you. The rippling starlight on the deep, dark ocean reminds me of your eyes. How much I wish I could get lost in those eyes right now and feel your arms around me. The warm ocean breeze embraces me in the darkness and assures me Ill be with you soon.

6-7-01
Way out past the city limit is a place that I call my own.
Through the bright green rolling hills, beneath a grove of pecan trees is where it lay.
This is my sanctuary, my heaven on earth.
This is the place where my love rests.
He was buried here three years ago and this is where I can come to see him again.
While he was alive and healthy we would come here together, for this was our place then.
Sitting high above on this hill of ours we would often watch the river rolling by and imagine what it would be like to live on the ocean and be free spirits.
But now hes free and living on the most beautiful beach in the world, surrounded by white sands and turquoise waters waiting for me to arrive.

6-14-01
This crinkled paper
Torn from the depths of my history
Will erase you forever
Alleviate the pain
Wipe away the tears
Release me from the past

7-20-01
thinking of you
and wishing i could see you again
i'm reminded of all the pain
do you think everyone misses you as much as i do?
could it be that they feel the same pain that devastates my soul?
is it true that i may never see you again......
that there is no heaven and no hell
i wonder if our love will re-unite us
or will it only leave us waiting
so now i begin my journey only to know that i will wait......


your eyes sink so deep into my soul
the nighttime has faded
our souls have dimmed
awaiting that burst of flames that will soon engulf us
you're laying down and holding me
me talking down your back
you whispering in my ear
thinking if other people live like this
can they survive while their love crumbles around them?
wishing that we can collect what has fallen
and somehow reconstruct what all we've lost

i've seen the way you laugh with her
it's not quite the same when you laugh with me
and i've seen the way she touches your arm
leaving it there just long enough for me to feel that pain deep in my heart
not jealousy, but the pain of knowing what i'll never have
your love, something i've desired for so long
but something in your eyes tells me that it can never happen
our two promises we made so long ago
one still kept alive, the other broken and worn

8-12-01
Death is the big, impending storm on the horizon
so beautiful and mysterious, partially breathtaking
no one is sure if it's coming their way
and we kind of wonder in awe
what it would be like for it to pass over us
will the rain pour down and sting our skin
or will they drops be round and fat and plop all around us
never hurtful, yet oddly mesmerzing
will the thunder be loud and bore down upon us
or will the sky just gently grumble as it slowly passes by
all we know is the one day that storm will come our way
and all our questions will be answered

8-18-01
Our eyes are tired and reddened
from crying through the night

Our heads are sad and fallin
We tried with all our might

To hold onto each other
In these times of pain and confusion

And so here we are
As we say our last goodbyes

I know our paths are strayin
But my love for you is stayin

But as we are leaving
theres one thing you should know
that Ill always be
Daddys Girl

9-4-01
Dont you know sometimes I wish you didnt love me?
For your own sake
I know it hurts you to see me like this
Curled up and shaking
And sometimes I wish you were free of my pain
That you didnt have to deal with my tears
And you would find someone who could make you happier than me
Although I dont know what I would do
When I saw the happiness in your eyes from another


9-18-01
I said I would love you forever
And take care of you when you were old and tired
You vowed you loved me too
And hoped one day you could show me
Well that one-day came
When my greatest love died
And while I stood in mourning
You left me
Ran off to tell your lies
And to prove your alibis
So here I stand
All alone
Drowning in my fate
Hoping to escape my implacable fate

12-9-01
Coming here today
Im not sure what to say
I talk to you day after day as if you were really here
But now that Im in front of your remains, all words have vanished
I dont know if youre in heaven or purgatory, or if either really exists
But I think that youre somewhere, very happy and waiting for all of us to be together again
Because every day I feel your loving arms around me and your eyes upon me
Watching out for me
And I know now that I never have to fear
Because you are always with me

Words cant describe what I feel when youre near
My heart quickens at the very thought of you
My voice gets shaky and I fumble around you
Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
But why, oh why, did it have to be you

I really thought that we could make it
I never thought we would fall away like this
But sitting here, watching the stars without you
My soul cries
Because Ive lost you
And all I wish now
Is that I was kissing you
I miss the sparkle in your eyes
And the warmth from your hugs
On those long, cold nights
Laying down, beneath the stars

The glittering eye shadow on the girl walking by catches my eye
And I wonder if youre staring at her too
Are you pretending not to this time?
Or do you even care at this point?
I watch as you eye her up and down
Striding by with long legs and flawless skin
Her short skirt inching higher on her thighs with each step
And I think to myself
Why cant he see whats right here beside him
The girl who gave you her soul is right here
Loving you all the while
(And hoping one day youll open your eyes to what real love is)

(You had my heart from the start)