6-15-06

Today is my father’s 60th birthday, or least it would’ve been if he were still here. And the hard thing is…no one knows it…and if they do, they never said a word. A man like my father should not be forgotten, he cannot be forgotten because of the lives he touched and the love he gave. It pains me to know that I’m the only one crying for him right now, that I try my best to immortalize him in my heart and in my mind, but he keeps slipping away from me.

Today I’ve tried to block him out of my mind, but he keeps coming back. The pain and the heartache are still here…I’ve just buried them beneath a smile because you can only outwardly grieve for so long and then you’re expected to pack it up and move on. I haven’t moved on….it’s been eight long years and I’m still waiting. I’m waiting to hear the clomping of his boots outside on the porch, to hear his laughter, to hear his sweet voice say he loves me and he’s proud of me….but it won’t come.

There is no way I can get past this pain he’s left me with, although I thank God for everyday he gave me with my father. I try to imagine what he would look if he were still here…and I can’t. I can hardly remember what his face looked like when I close my eyes. All I have are a few pictures and videos to help me remind me of what a beautiful and loving man I got to call my father.

And I think, Wow….60 years…. I cannot believe he would be 60. The last time I saw him he was barely into his 50s and now this much time has gone by and he hasn’t been here for it. He wasn’t there to hug me at my high school or college graduation. He wasn’t there to meet the man I’m going to marry and he won’t be here to walk me down the aisle. He won’t be able to see his baby boy enter high school or congratulate me when I complete grad school. He simply won’t be there.

And this is what makes living so hard. Knowing that I have to wait until my time comes, whenever that may be, to see him again. Knowing that my love and hope has to hang on that long to see his face. Knowing that no one hears the name “Eddie” or “Carter” , the way I do..with a pain so deep and everlasting I can never escape it. Knowing that for the rest of my life, I’ll catch little glimpses of him out of the corner of my eye, only to realize I’m looking at a stranger.



This is life..and like I’ve said before…there is no turning back.