8-29-03

I lay down, closing my eyes and I think of him.

his deep, brown eyes, his arms holding me tight,

the smell of his cologne, the warmth of his voice...

and i think is it possible that I could have loved him too much?

I think about him, I dream about him,

I want to build him inside of me so I can never, ever forget him.

I dont believe I ever could...

I think of the pain of bringing new life into this world, not the physical pain,

but the pain of knowing he will never be able to be called Grandpa,

he will never get to hold his grandchildren in his arms and kiss them,

never be able to smell their sweet scent. 

This is when you begin to wonder if anyone will remember him like you do.

Im selfish in the love I have for him,

coveting each moment I can salvage from my mind.

Lastly remembering the moment I heard the news....

watching cars drive by us on the freeway, people going about their lives...

and I think if my father was dead none of this would be happening.

The sun would be blotted out, the world tipping on its axis.

He couldnt die without me, he couldnt leave me like this. 

Remember entering the house, the little girl in the front yard,

Somehow making it up those steps...

Walking into that room to see him lying in there in that damn hospital bed..

loving him, grasping his hand and feeling nothing back, no movement, no warmth...

just the roughness of his hands....kissing his cool forehead and thinking

This is really it...hes gone.

It seemed as if everyone whod never really suffered a loss came forward saying

Oh, the hurt will heal, give it a year.

When in reality I knew that these people didnt know shit about loss,

that it takes years and years and the pain never goes away,

and the second year is the worst... becauseby then nobody remembers or gives a shit about your pain....

Moving on to the first anniversary of my fathers death, nothing eventful happened....

I felt as if the world should be shattering open in mourning...

devastated from the loss it has suffered...but to my dismay it didnt...

I was the only one shattering....