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1-13-02
You smile and wink as you walk away with my heart in your hands
You never knew what you had
You shattered the one who loved you all along
Now here I am alone while youre searching for another.
The space between our hearts was always too much for me to take and too small for you to handle.
Without you here there is less to say
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Im standing here pleading as you just close your eyes
Every day I die without you
Because for me this is heaven
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I find solitude in you
Take my hand because I need you right now.
The desperate look in your eyes shows me that love dont need a reason and love
dont need a rhyme
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Something about you tells me
That Ill never get anywhere
Without your smile beside me
And everything little thing about this
Proves to me that this is real
Needing you has defied my greatest fear
I can no longer deny my love for you
I believe in us
Even if no one understands
Now youve run away with my heart
And I can barely breathe without you
All I really know is that
I dont want to live this life without you
Cause without you here
There is less to say
I miss you lying next to me
And gazing at your eyes in the twilight
I want to tell you every day
That I love you
And that I cant imagine my life without you,
Waking up without your arms around me,
Not having you in my life.
Im grateful for the happiness youve brought to me
1-15-02
Come get lost in my hair
And we can travel the world together
Under moonlit skies
Beside glittering beaches
Why cant you be here now
Tracing our outlines with love
Tonight I just want to fall into your arms
And lose.myself..
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Independence isnt one my strong points
And I know this now
But why, oh why
Cant you come back today
I could say that Im doing just fine
But I wish I'd never let you go
It hurts when Im sleeping and
Even more when I awake
To smell your cologne on my pillow
Seeing everything you left behind
For me to remember you by
Watching John Edwards in the afternoons
Wishing you were here
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Standing here with you
Our arms intertwined
Tears in my eyes
From hugging you so tight
Im breathing deep
Trying to relieve this pain
But I know I cant stop crying
Cause youre the brightest thing I got
The days were golden when you were near
And now that youre gone
The sun no longer shines
The way your eyes looked that day
And all the words that were spoken
Just one more kiss and then youll go
3-27-02
I close my eyes and memories of the boys before pass by. That crisp, sharp-edged weekend in Missouri
with Joey. Experiencing everything around me as new. The coolness of the night.
Open windows letting in the moonlight and the sound of crickets chirping. Climbing under the heavy blankets with him. My heartbeat
being smothered by the sounds of the evening. Laying with my head on his back. Feeling
the scar on his chest for the first time, not being scared, not wanting to run. His
soft lips on mine, body curved around mine. Pure bliss. Riding home that Sunday night, curled up in the seat, his hand in
mine, taking his eyes off the road as often as he could to look at me. Each time
he touched me falling into a new, deeper point of myself. Falling for and then
losing him..
My heart is full of open wounds. Wounds I received from each man I ever loved. Wounds that cannot
be healed because of my deep love for them.
4-04-02
Leaving you
was the hardest thing
that I could ever do
Although the choice was not mine to make
I still cant believe He had to take
My one and only true love
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My heart was yours from the moment our eyes met
Nothing I could say or do
Can really express my feelings for you
But lying here with you, waking up in your arms,
Smelling your cologne, knowing Im safe from all harm
All of this proves to me, that all this really could be
I remember once you asked me
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Well, sweetie, I think its safe to say tonight
I do
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Dark eyes
The ones that looked at me with surprise
On the night of our first date
Valentines Day-thats when we met (our fate?)
And so here we are
Drowning in each others love (hearts?)
Lost in each others eyes
What I wouldnt give today
To stay forever this way
To never have to leave your arms
Your smile is what keeps me warm
Your eyes are what keep me lost
Your arms are what keep me here
Our tears remind me of the cost
Im wiling to pay to give it all away-
And say I dotoday
4-11-02
I keep opening up that email you sent me the other day
each time, hoping that it will say something different
not that you're giving up on me
not that youre leaving me after all this time
You're not the first
So why do I hurt so bad?
Out of everyone I love, I never thought you would be the one to do this
I would've done anything you asked
Guess you didn't know
I've lost everything I want
And I'm scared and lonely now
Maybe you'd be the perfect guy for me
If I was the perfect girl for you
But like you've said
I'm not there yet
Time was my pedestal I fell off of
I couldn't promise you the universe at your feet or never-ending happiness
But I could promise that I will always love you
4-16-02
Im
trying to keep my distance
Knowing
that you dont want to talk
And
Im trying to respect your feelings
Giving
you your space and letting you make the decisions
But
this is driving me crazy
Not
talking to you, not being able to see you
I
can only apologize so much for what Ive done
I
know its beginning to sound old
And
Im beginning to believe what youve said
Maybe
I dont deserve you
Maybe
Im too young and immature
But
I am old enough to understand the mistakes Ive made in the past And to ask for forgiveness
Sometime in May...
She wakes up with a smile on her face every morning and I can think of no other place
Id rather be.
The soft flawless sky blankets (all?) our hopes and dreams.
I think in the end when I look
Back on this moment
I shall like the face that it
Was just he and I,
Sitting there together under the stars,
On the verge of beginning a whole
New world together
The center of my universe is wherever you are.
5-31-02
He speaks peace to my soul
I try to hide my love, I try, but everyone knows
He has stolen my heart.
If only Id change, I could be his home
6-13-02
I try to forget what we had
Ive calmed and quieted my soul
But somehow I cant deny my love for you
And somehow I feel through all the pain
That your love is my saving grace
7-5-02
his love was the kind you could feel..it didn't matter if
you were with him or not...you could hear him having a conversation with someone about drywall or electric drills and you
would hear it: his love calling out to you, chanting your name and you knew that you were forever bound in his heart the way
he was in yours.
7-5-02
the waves on the shorecrashing
only make me want you more
this loneliness i feel with you gone
is too much for my heart to bear
and now I think
if I could change anything-
I wouldve taken that diamond ring
cause you are the only one
who can make me feel the way you do
and now I wanna be
where you sleep
where you breathe
I never knew youd leave,
but suddenly youre nowhere in sight
8-31-02
I wont ask for another chance
I know I drive you crazy baby, but its the best I can
do
I thought my love would be enough for both of us
Your eyes changed long ago and I can
Tell you dont love me anymore
So this will be the last time
I ask you to dance
And then
You can let me go
9-9-02
I dont wanna come home..if youre not gonna be there
I dont want to smile, if its not because of you
I cant admit to the fact that were through
My beds calling my name, but I know Ill only dream of
you
I shouldve known from the beginning that you werent really
my kind
You could never accept who I was and what I stood for
Right then and there I shouldve showed you the door
But I let you steal my heart
I didnt know youd devour it like a treat
So here I am now, heartless and alone
As you go and search for another Im on my own.
9-9-02
the way you smile at
me when were laying in your sheets,
your hands wrapped in my hair
and the way you pause to say hi when youre kissing me
it simply brings me to my knees
the way I look within your eyes is the way I want to be
for the rest of time
your hand cradling my face is something I did not expect,
but it took me to new heights and I found you nonetheless
your heartbeat pulses under mine, and you make me laugh
all of the time
tonight I want to just lay here, wrapped in your arms, lost in your eyes.
just say youre mine
9-9-02
the dusky stars and milky clouds entrance me tonight
remembering how our love was once, well it makes me cry
I know now that youre not the one for me
But that cant seem to banish you from my thoughts
Your harsh words and cold stares shouldve made me leave
But they broke me down and I said Id just love enough
for both of us
Im here alone again, yes its me
Im waiting here for something I never has all along
9-9-02
Curled up here with you I can tell this is where Im supposed
to be
I dont know for how long or when Ill know its over
All I care about right now is looking in your eyes and
knowing this is real
9-12-02
I know when I look back on us
Ill cry tears of joy because of all that you gave me
You showed me who I was over the months
And you told me how much you truly loved that person
So now when youre gone
Ill remember lying under that light greencomforter with
you
Blues filling the air
You softly singing in my ear
My heart pounding and weeping at the same time
Loving you so much, but knowing that I have to let you
go sooner or later
Your smile will forever be engrained on my soul
After you run off my heart
I remember things you said so long ago
holding my face, kissing my tears,
hearing you love me, breaking my heart
The touch of your fingertips show me what love is.
Sometimes their rough and snag my clothes,
but they are what I need.
What I cant live without.
They are you.
A Southern guy
with southern eyes
Deep brown, the color of his tan
A nice, deep accent whispering sweet everything into my ear
Chasing chills up my spine
Driving through the country with the windows down
and his hand on my leg
All my troubles left behind when Im with this man.
This is where Id like to be
with a Southern guy under Southern skies...
10-31-02
Come to me now
Lay your hands upon me
Wipe away my tears
Tell me that you love me
Even if it is a lie
I will believe you and follow you wherever you go...
When you say you understand and konw how I fell
It couldnt possibly be real
because you dont know what its like to need your breath on my
neck
to need your touch because its what keeps me alive
There is no wanting, only needing and the unsatisfaction I get
from it now...
Now that youre gone
Ive lost him:
his hair
his eyes
his hands upon my body
None of this is mine now..
Kissing you for the first time
Began my life as me
And letting you return back to your seperate life
Will be the biggest mistake Ive ever made
Because if te amo and usted me ama (i love you and you love
me)
and some people are your family no matter when you find them,
and some people are
not, even if you are laid, still wet and crumpled, in their
arms
then why should we be apart?
And even though a blind man could see how much I love you
Im afraid to hear you whisper your love into my ear
and trust me when I say that the vision of you in my bed,
the early morning light playing on your bare back,
Your dark hair ruffled from the night before,
and those eyelids covering your velvety eyes
Will never, ever escape me
Something inside me says that everything is in your eyes
and that love really does invent us
7-12-03
I was just thinking
about that night we laid in each others arms, the lavender
evening undressing us
about that night we proclaimed our love
and the world was shown anew
in each others eyes
we saw
our future
its easy to follow my heart line to yours
and its easy to say i love you now
now that i know what love is
ill never forget the smell of your skin mixed with mine
or the touch of your hand upon my face
that flush rushing to my lips
yearning for just one more kiss
before we retire for the night
no matter what
i dont think ill ever get enough of you
7-20-03
The first time they searched for cancer in my fathers body,
they found it. It was colon cancer. I suppose I can say that was the first and last time they really had to search for it.
Every other time they were just checking, confirming...that after all theyd done and all theyd tried...it remained. And I
guess I can say they knew...I say they because, well, I didnt know.. I knew he was sick, but I knew he was strong and
still young, only 50 years old and healthy...before this. How was I to know that before my 16th birthday that my father would
be dead and Id already be beginning to forget the sweet sound of his laugh or how his arms felt around me. He was a vibrant
man, a melange of determined British blood and powerful Native American blood. He was compassionate and brilliant, he didnt
deserve to suffer for years under the radation, and the chemo, and the knife. He WAS the American man. He attended some college,
had a family, and worked hard. He did the work most men cant. He sweat his life away every day to provide something for me
and my little brother. He ate red meat, watched Westerns, and drank his Busch beer, which eventually contributed to his cancer.
People dont know what its like to lose someone like him, someone whos so beautiful and perfect to you...someone who truly
is part of you. Its been five years. Five. Thats how many years Ive missed out on father-daughter talks, weekends and vacations
spent with him. Feeling his arms around me. Smelling his cologne. Holding his hand. Missing him at my graduation. Knowing
he wont be there to walk me down the aisle. Five birthdays Ive missed him being there. Five Christmas that will never come
back. And every year in April, the anniversary that I sometimes wish I could forget. I still think of him, but only the ghost
of him, because Ive lost all the physical things that I associate with him. Hes gone and I still remain.
8-3-2003
Pools of shining intelligence and drops of wavering indifference
tremble in your eyes, the gates into my heaven.
And I, I just stand there and watch you walk on by,
helpless in your presence,
poised for love and your arms around me.
I remember you saying, "Someone as good as you shouldn't
be alone.
You deserve to be loved and content and satisfied. You need
peace. But if I've ever given anything to you, let it be this. I love you more than youll ever know, more than anyone in this
whole damn world, but Im the one person that cant give those thing to you...not now, probably not ever."
Something tells me this will be the darkest of days for me.....
But as long as love exists, it's there waiting for me.
So please, do me this favor now:
Please forget my legs around your hips, the letters that
I sent,
all the words I said, the marks I left across your back,
the feel of my hair between your fingers, all the love that
I whispered,
every mistake that I made because of you
It hurts me to know thats out there...given up to someone
who could relinquish me so easily.
Your hands are of a man, but your mind is of a child for
giving me up.
To skew Dylan...I no longer "long to see you in the mornings
light."
How can I explain how I feel
except for that I miss you when youre gone
When Im with you, my eyes shine brighter than they ever have
Youve left a mark on me
A love I cant forget
Im scared as hell
Its about time to tell you all the things that you should know
All the things Ive been too scared to show
I need you
and I love you
I bleed you
I would easily give up breathing for you
if you would take my breath and hold it in
8-29
I lay down, closing my eyes and I think of him.his deep, brown eyes, his arms holding me tight,
the smell of his cologne, the warmth of his voice...
and i think is it possible that I could have loved him too much?
I think about him, I dream about him, I want to build him inside of me so I can never, ever forget
him.
I dont believe I ever could...
I think of the pain of bringing new life into this world, not the physical pain, but the pain of
knowing he will never be able to be called Grandpa, he will never get to hold his grandchildren in his arms and kiss them,
never be able to smell their sweet scent.
This is when you begin to wonder if anyone will remember him like you do.
Im selfish in the love I have for him,
coveting each moment I can salvage from my mind.
Lastly remembering the moment I heard the news....
watching cars drive by us on the freeway, people going about their lives...
and I think if my father was dead none of this would be happening.
The sun would be blotted out, the world tipping on its axis.
He couldnt die without me, he couldnt leave me like this.
Remember entering the house, the little girl in the front yard,
Somehow making it up those steps...
Walking into that room to see him lying in there in that damn hospital bed..
loving him, grasping his hand and feeling nothing back, no movement, no warmth...
just the roughness of his hands....kissing his cool forehead and thinking This is really it...hes
gone.
It seemed as if everyone whod never really suffered a loss
came forward saying Oh, the hurt will heal, give it a year.
When in reality I knew that these people didnt know shit about loss,
that it takes years and years and the pain never goes away,
and the second year is the worst...by then nobody remembers or gives a shit about your pain....
Moving on to the first anniversary of my fathers death, nothing eventful happened....
I felt as if the world should be shattering open in mourning...
devastated from the loss it has suffered...but to my dismay it didnt...
I was the only one shattering....
I became entangled
And fell into the sky
less
world
I thought about you the other day, the you I used to know, the you no longer available to this face
or this screen nameand all the feelings and confusion and love came pushing forward.I thought it was overI thought my decision
was final and my fate was sealed, but now I lay in bed and remember the upset and the pain and how much I really loved youIn
my wildest dreams, you were always the hero, in my darkest hour, you rescued mesaved me and swept me off to your world. All thats left of that world for me now are the broken stars and murky darkness.the
warmth of your body is missing and your soothing touch has vanished.forever....Just know that I followed the love I heard
in your voicewas ready to follow it forever.. and I miss you even more than I could have imagined; and I was prepared to miss
you a great deal.
I loved him with everything I had, but somehow he always ended up leaving
my heart feeling empty
11-19-03
Passing back
lovelost looks of defeat
and i realize
it
is always about
saying goodbye- to you
i opened my eyes this morning to see that you were gone
and there is nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
than to wake up to your kind face and your peaceful eyes
when angels spoke to me, they whispered your name
and words escaped me
i thought i could not exist without you by my side
and every word you spoke told the tale
of a boy who loves a girl
but no longer do i have
that pressure of love against me
the gift of joy you brought to my heart
your whispers in my ear
the way you could kiss me across a crowded room
all I have now is the bluesweet sadness of missing you,
my shelter from the storm,
and all i do is wish you werent worth the wait
that way maybe, just maybe, i could stop the pain
12-3-03
They all ask me what I think love is
And most of all how do I know that I have it with you
I think to myself that I, of all people, should know what love is and what it isnt
Ive loved and lost, and loved and lost again, but its still something elusive to me
Look it up in the dictionary:
Love n 1: strong affection 2: warm attachment 3: beloved person
It is affection; it is attachment and courtship, and gratitude
But a simple definition of love could never suffice what I feel for you
To me-
Love is an insatiable madness that can only be fulfilled by you
Its a nonentity without you
Its the desire to wake up to you every day for the rest of my life
Its knowing that your arms are my shelter,
That I can be as silly or goofy as I feel and I know youll be right there with me
Its knowing that you will protect me from all harm and being okay with that
I can give myself to you, wholly and unreserved, and trust in the fact that you will do the same
for me
This is a rare love, but a true one.
Youve got to be wild at heart and give yourself freely before you can find something like this.
To quote Anthony Hopkins youve got to get swept away, sing with rapture,
dance like a dervish.
It's a cornball thing.
Love is passion, obsession... something you can't live without.
I
say, fall head over heels.
Find someone you can love like crazy, that will love you the same way back.
How do you find
them, well...
you forget your head and listen to your heart.
'cause the truth is honey,
There's no sense in living your life without this,
To make the
journey and not fall deeply in love,
well... you haven't lived a life at all.
But you have to try.
Because if you
haven't tried, you haven't lived."
But most of all.to me, love is you
12-5-03
I loved you so much and it seems like you never saw it in my eyes
but each time i left the airport knowing that you were leaving
and never knowing for how long
the tears streamed down my face
until it was red, and raw, and the slightest movement caused me pain
thats what i suffered for your love
months alone, me here, you there
for you: numerous care packages sent
with love and hope
for me: one card sent in nine months,
a birthday card, thats all
i made you my life and you made me your burden
and it makes me cry again to think about it
because you have no clue the pain i suffered for you
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